Can't We Just Eat?

I am among the world's least adventurous eaters (stay away from garlic, my friends). Cereal and a toasted english muffin for breakfast (Pop-Tarts are now out - thanks a lot, Doc!), a sandwich with some combination of deli meats for lunch, and something lovingly prepared by my amazing wife for dinner. I double-check and triple-check expiration dates (OK, quadruple check) and sniff every food for even the slightest trace of onions, hydrolyzed or otherwise. And I have only begun to fight the urge to resist leftovers.

So even though I'll never come close to test driving every restaurant genre listed in the latest Zagat's guide, I'd still like to share a few thoughts about the current state of eating in America, at least as it's described by the media.

Every food- or weight loss-related behavior we see and read about is intense. Food Network host Guy Fieri and his spiked hair attack food like it's freshly fallen game. Jamie Oliver cavorts around the world, a disheveled missionary saving us and our kids from our unhealthy diets. Author David Zinczenko demands that we "Eat This, Not That!" When she's not being paid by Big Pharma to hawk medicine for a belatedly announced case of diabetes, Paula Deen unashamedly continues to offer up artery-clogging treats. And we recently learned that Good Eats, hosted by the extremely intelligent Thomas Dolby lookalike Alton Brown, was leaving the air after 10 years. Where can we turn for 30-minute dissertations on crepes and fried chicken?

And if every child in America isn't dangerously obese or a foodie-in-training, they're just one waif-like model's image away from becoming anorexic or bulimic. Reporters routinely ignore the contextual factors that contribute to eating disorders, preferring instead to blame magazine covers. Teenaged girls, we are told, spend much of their time cruising so-called "pro-Anorexia" websites, looking for advice on how to become super thin.

Can't we just eat? Do we have to sit in the chef's lap as a meal is prepared? Do we have to Yelp about an establishment's tap water? And isn't it possible to lose weight in a non-bootcamp setting, or without spiraling through a binge-purge cycle?

My wife's apple pie is the single greatest food product ever to come out of an oven. I ask for it instead of a cake for my birthday. I want to be buried with one - that is, if I change my mind on cremation. Yet while I think about it often - especially the sweet velvety crumb topping - it doesn't occupy every brain cell not devoted to baseball and West Wing and Star Trek reruns.

When I find myself in times of cooking zeal, I turn to Jacques Pepin, one of the few who still actually teach you how to cook. Yet even Jacques popped up a year or two back on an episode on cooking's grudge match, Top Chef.

But I'm a sometimes reasonable person, so I propose a compromise: I'll be OK with the six-burner Viking stoves and the Barefoot Contessa catering for all of eastern Long Island, but only if someone puts my show, tentatively titled Food For Chickens, on the air. It would be aimed at folks who just want to enjoy their food, and who don't want to have to replay the most famous scene from When Harry Met Sally to show their appreciation.

Maybe I can persuade Jacques Pepin to be the host.

Where Is The Outrage?

So apparently the entire nation was up in arms (or legs) last fall because the producers of ABC’s hit show Dancin’ With the Stars selected Chaz Bono, the transgendered son of legendary 60s and 70s singing stars Sonny and Cher, to compete as part of its 13^th season. Including Bono in the cast caused a “virtual firestorm” of controversy, according to ABC News anchor George Stephanopoulos.

No less an authority on morals than One Million Moms, a “project” of the ultraconservative – and ultra narrow-minded – American Family Association, called for a national boycott of the show until Bono was removed from the cast. The project’s director, Monica Cole, told ABC News that seeing Bono and her partner on television would undoubtedly be “very confusing for children” who apparently we don’t trust to know love when they see it.

The criticism energized Bono; it “made me realize I’m really glad I’m doing this because America needs to see this,” he told an interviewer last year.

I support and agreed with Bono – America did need to see him, get over it, and accept him, but perhaps more important, the flap highlighted how a few bigoted people with an ability to manufacture miniscule pockets of outrage can capture the attention of a news media always on the outlook for the next conflict, ersatz or otherwise.

Would James Taylor Make It on "The Voice"?

A lot of talented people have taken the first packaged steps to stardom on shows like the FOX hit American Idol and NBC's The Voice. Clay Aiken, Kelly Clarkson, and Katherine McPhee, who will star in the upcoming NBC show Smash, spring to mind. Perhaps The Voice's season one winner Javier Colon will follow in their footsteps.

While I'm not an avid viewer of these shows, I've been thinking about what they tell us about the path to fame, about talent and how it's judged, and what we like in our performers.

The Ted Mack Amateur Hour was still on when I was a kid. Looking now at the performances, I was struck by how, well, amateur, the performers were: ventriloquist acts, a woman playing the xylophone, spoon players, plate spinners, and the requisite number of singers. Viewers were encouraged to call in or drop a line to indicate which performers they liked. OK, that hasn't changed, except we now vote online. And thanks to America's Got Talent, we still see tumblers and folks who create intricate silhouettes do their thing.

But today's shows are far more urgent, their judges far more judgmental than in the days of Ted Mack, or Star Search for that matter. And the performers are all so good - already. Amateurism was celebrated on the Amateur Hour. Not so today; it's comedy fodder for their early rounds of Idol. And not only do you have to be already accomplished, you have to gush incessantly about your passion for performing and dress the part. You have to "want it."

Which brings us, finally, to James Taylor. Taylor is quite famous - and quite successful. He's sold millions of records, CDs, and downloads, and is recognized - justly, I think - as one of our most accomplished songwriters. And the narrative of his journey to fame has all the Behind the Music elements we require: long nights plying his trade at the Troubadour in LA, well chronicled struggles with drugs and mental illness, a failed marriage to another famous person, getting clean, and a successful second act.