A current television ad for Toviaz shows a young woman in a bridal shop trying on wedding dresses. Her mom sits nearby. The bride-to-be doesn't know it of course, but she's adhered to my Say Yes to the Dress rule: bring as few people as possible with you when you set out to choose a gown if you want to make a decision that is truly yours.
Anyway, as her daughter happily examines the dress in the mirror - no doubt preparing to shout "I Found The Gown!" - mom realizes she has to visit the ladies room. Mom is torn; she wants to stay and support her daughter, but her overactive bladder is calling. Mom looks worried; she crosses her legs. Finally, she can wait no longer and heads off.
Her daughter turns just in time to see an empty aqua couch. A look of disappointment crosses her face as she realizes where mom has gone. But there's a lot of resignation there too; she's no doubt reliving missed volleyball games and award ceremonies. Mom knows she's been a drag. "I'm fed up with having to put my bladder's needs ahead of my daughter's," she says in a voice over.
Mom returns just in time to see her daughter celebrating her gown choice with the bridal consultant. Finally tired of missing these compelling moments, she makes the decision right then and there - again without consultation from 12 family members - to see her doctor to discuss that "gotta go feeling."
It's one thing to have figures made of copper pipe attempting to make it through the day without wetting pants they don't have. It's another entirely to visit the nation's indignation on a woman who simply needs to pee. What would you have her do? Squirm in pain while she tries to hold it in? Have an accident right there in the middle of the bridal salon, just so you can have the affirmation you crave?
And then there are the Charmin bears. It turns out that animated bears love - revel in, lose themselves in - the act of number two. They love wiping themselves after number two. Leonard, aka Papa Bear, slowly rubs the toilet paper on his face as he sits. "Oh, this is soft - this is so soft," he moans with almost orgasmic rapture. Down in the living room, Molly the Mama Bear gently calls up that "he only needs a few sheets!" Papa bear rolls back the excess, then resumes caressing what's left for him to use. Mama bear also diligently monitors her family's rear ends for butt flakes, while her bespectacled son Bill lectures the public on how Charmin's construction will enable you to, well, get cleaner so that you don't soil your underwear.
"We all go - why not enjoy the go?" Bill asks as he flexes his muscles to remind us of Charmin Ultra Strong's strength.
So it's official: no human activity is immune from media overemphasis. Is nothing sacred? Don't the creators of these ads and their clients have "no talking while I'm on the potty" rules in their homes, like Sarah Chalke's character in Scrubs? And while I do have bathroom visits that are particularly...productive, I'm not sure I'd ever use the word "enjoy" to describe them. Maybe that's just me - maybe there are people all across America who use satisfying number twos as cause for great celebration. Drinks are served; mini-conga lines pop up. Vacation plans will now include "The Great Bathrooms of Europe."
And pretty soon we'll have a reality show called "Say Yes to the Poop."
