What's Next - War Wars?

Caught an episode of the new PBS show Market Warriors this week. Four expert bargain hunters scoured a Philadelphia flea market for what they believed were treasures, bargained for the best price with the vendors, and sent the items off to be sold at an L.A. auction. The expert who earned the largest profit was declared the winner. Seems PBS has moved on from simply encouraging us to dig around in our attics to find items to cart to the Antiques Roadshow. I guess their patience with our celebrations when the lamp we bought at a yard sale for $2 turns out to be Tiffany has run out. Let the real pros show you obsessive bargain hunting it's done.

My first taste of Market Warriors, whose logo is four stars over the show title in a military typeface, came a few days after Sheila and I caught Craft Wars on TLC, hosted by Beverly Hills 90210 alum Tori Spelling. The order of the day was the construction of elaborate doghouses. Very enthusiastic contestants painted dog biscuits to use as borders and wove collars that became floor mats. One built a table using rolled up newspapers as the legs. The competition takes place in a studio festooned with craft supplies furnished by the fine folks at Michael's. And as in all reality shows, the contestants ran around frantically, took off-camera shots at each other's designs, and earnest claimed they weren't there to make friends.

OK, I didn't actually hear anyone say that, but it's coming. Book it.

But even though I try to limit invocations of Tori Spelling in my daily life, her new show caused me to wonder what we won't think of as a war. Our use of battlefield metaphors certainly isn't new. Work is a battlefield. Sports take place on numerous battlefields. Hell, if Pat Benatar is right, even love is a battlefield.

But is there anything left? Imagine the possibilities:

Chess Wars (ESPN): Teams of three loudly debate where to move their pieces (which light up), then slam the piece on the board (which lights up) and shout "Boo-Ya!" when they complete their move. Gary Glitter and "The Final Countdown" play in the background. Commentary is provided by UFC fighters, General Wesley Clark, and, since he needs the exposure, Donald Trump. Players high-five and yell "in your face!" when they capture an opponent's piece. Checkmate is celebrated by tossing opponents into a giant pool of Jell-O.

Reading Wars (PBS): Students in a sixth grade class compete to read the most books during the school year. Students are shown reading everywhere - in class, at home, in the car, on their bikes. Comprehension? We don't need no stinkin' comprehension. Competitors engage in some pretty gnarly behavior - books are hidden, secretly redacted (with on-camera tips from officials in the federal government), put on the roofs of cars, and tossed in nearby ravines. The winner gets a state of the art Kindle preloaded with the collected works of Stephen King - that'll keep 'em busy for a while.

Meditation Wars (Oxygen): Three Buddhist monks attempt to meditate for an entire day. But first, their robes are judged too simple and replaced with consultation from Stacy London and Clinton Kelly from TLC's What Not to Wear. In the challenge round, the monks race to achieve total tranquility in the shortest amount of time and come up with the most heartfelt mantra. The winner gets a chance to perform on American Idol, while the losers receive the collected works of Bill O'Reilly and Gilbert Gottfried on DVD.

Staring Up at the Cloud Wars (Sprout): We begin with three kids lying on a hill staring up at the sky. Elmo from Sesame Street will then burst on to the scene to pepper the kids with questions: How many clouds can you see? What do they look like? Where can Elmo learn more about clouds? After a speed round, in which contestants see and interpret as many clouds as they can in a minute, they'll be asked  to come up with the most imaginative cloud interpretations, with extra points awarded for references to great military battles and points deducted when Gandhi and Dr. King are invoked. The show will include interviews with Air Force cloud-seeding pilots who will discuss how to get your clouds to look just like General David Petraeus.

Maybe we see so much "war" because we've become so desensitized to it, as MSNBC's Rachel Maddow argues so eloquently in her superb book Drift. The draft is long gone, a professional army does the dirty work of our elected leaders, and the government has done a masterful job persuading the news media that embedding is the best they can do coverage-wise, even it produces the world's longest on-air game of "play with the siren." Where peace used to be our default, the state we hoped and wished for - and fought for - war is our constant these days. Besides - peace is for hippies.

So I guess we shouldn't look for a show called for "War Wars" in between episodes of Honey Boo-Boo and "My Lover Has The Most Facial Hair." It wouldn't last a month on the air; it's too real - and not real enough.